Merry Mass Effectmas!
by Bebus
Summary: The saviour of the galaxy takes her friends on a Christmas holiday! Shepard and Liara are playing in the snow, while Ashley starts an icy battle. Garrus can't skate, Tali's emergency induction port isn't working, and Wrex overindulges in a Christmas concoction brewed up by Aethyta! Featuring a guest appearance from the ice queen! M for Xmas romance and language. Complete fluff!


'Please Shepard, explain the significance of this human ritual to me again.'

Shepard smirked. This was _too _good. 'The... aah... construction of anthropomorphic structures in celebration of winter is a longstanding human tradition.'

She smiled to her asari lover, whose head was cocked adorably in attention. 'The source of the tradition is unknown, but it is typically performed as a bonding ritual amongst family and friends.'

Liara nodded slowly. 'And they are supposed to be representations of humans?'

Shepard nodded in return, still straining her muscles, sweat beginning to form on her brow, as she constructed the base of the statue from the unwieldy material.

'So...' Liara, who was following slowly alongside, continued. 'Why does our "snow-man" look like a volus?'

* * *

Shepard's loud, happy laughter tinkled across the snowy plain, reaching the ears of Ashley Williams, who was currently sitting on the doorstep of the large wooden lodge that was serving as a hotel, sipping a hot chocolate.

Ashley could see Shepard decorating a large snowball on the ground, approximately waist high, as Liara stood to the side, both wrapped up in warm, winter clothes; gloves, scarves and there was even a red bobble hat on Liara, with fluffy white trim. They were just ahead of a beautiful treeline, the forest glistening with evergreens covered in a romantic layer of snow.

Those two were just too damned cute, all happy and... _coupley. _But she knew Shepard's weakness. As much as the saviour of the galaxy loved her asari, she could never resist a chance to wind Liara up. Ashley let out a loud click with her tongue, one of the signals the two had used in combat. Shepard's head jerked up, still a lifelong soldier, though the caution in her eyes faded the second she saw Ashley's wicked grin. Liara was still distracted, talking to Shepard who was now only half-paying attention, and Ashley began making frantic combat hand signals.

_One target. _

_I'll distract._

_You hit from behind._

_Then retreat._

Shepard nodded, and Ashley immediately called out, 'Hey, Liara!'

The asari's head turned, the bobble on her hat swaying behind her. 'Yes, Ashley?'

The return shout echoed across the wide, snowy field, Liara's sweet voice filling the air.

'Can you come over here a minute?' Ashley struggled to keep the laugh from her voice. The asari turned briefly to Shepard, who did an admirable job at projecting absolute innocent ignorance with a shrug. Liara must have said something, because Shepard flushed red before the asari turned and began walking towards Ashley, swaying her hips gently. Shepard could not take her eyes off Liara's back, warm clothes not hiding her lithe figure, and Ashley was worried Shepard was going to mess it up because she couldn't keep it in her pants for two minutes, when suddenly the soldier snapped into action.

Ashley could see the wicked grin spread across Shepard's face, as she gathered up snow, and suddenly tossed it towards Liara, ducking instantly behind the large base of the amorphous sphere of snow... _hmm, looks like a volus..._ she had made. It struck the asari in the back of the neck, exploding in a haze of white powder: Shepard had clearly made it a soft one, so as not to damage her lover.

Liara's expression was _priceless. _

Her brilliant blue eyes widened, startled, her mouth dropping into a tiny "o", which Ashley caught for the tiniest second before the asari began spinning on the spot, trying to dislodge the icy mixture from beneath her scarf, from the sensitive folds at the back of her head.

'Ohh! Aaaah! Goddess!'

Ashley's planned retreat was cut short. Striking Liara in such a delicate place was definitely unfair... and Liara deserved a little payback. A cunning plan began to form in her mind, as she swiftly crossed the snowy plain to Liara.

* * *

Shepard hid behind the snow-volus, digging up the snow into a pile of snowballs as some highly amusing, outraged, shrieks echoed through the still mountain air. Liara would retaliate, no doubt, and whilst retreating into the forest would have been more tactically sound, she did not want to leave her poor lover without a chance to, at least try to, get her own back.

Straining her cybernetically enhanced hearing, she was surprised not to hear Liara approaching.

In fact, it was altogether too silent.

She began to worry. Her cover was poor, and her position exposed. She might be able to reach the treeline whilst taking only minimal damage, but she would be woefully short of ammo in the woods.

She was vulnerable to flanking, and could not risk taking a peek to scout the battlefield without putting herself in the line of fire.

Her usual tactic in this position would be to launch a daring assault on the enemy position, using a meat shield like Grunt to absorb most of the incoming fire... but she did not have any krogan on hand.

And the enemy position was Liara T'Soni, dressed in a bobble hat, with snow in her crests.

She would not wish such an assault on her worst enemy.

Suddenly, the air started to hum.

_Oh no..._

Her cover began to rattle, and she felt some tell-tale coldness down the back of her neck as snow was shaken from the trees behind her.

_Oh-_

Without any further warning, the snow on the ground for approximately fifteen feet around her suddenly erupted upwards, before being pulled into a singularity far above her head. Even the snow-volus was shaking, floating an inch above the ground, threatening to lift even further.

'Liara, that's not-'

The snow fell.

* * *

'Heh, heh, heh... rync-nog...'

Wrex stumbled from the hotel, clutching a large tankard of the warm drink the bartender had concocted each in each hand.

It wasn't often he fully let himself go, but this odd human celebration, the copious alcohol, the cold atmosphere he was not used to... was it any surprise he had overindulged on the creamy, warm, ryncol-y drink?

'Heh, heh, heh...'

He was about to slump into the nice cold snow, when he saw something strange.

_Battle!_

T'Soni was running after Shepard, using her biotics to rip huge piles of snow from the ground to hurl at the human, who was already covered in the stuff, while Williams was running after the pair, laughing loudly, occasionally throwing the odd ball of snow at Shepard as well.

His heart began to pound.

He had not been in a good fight for _months._

Bakara and all the other women, and his children, with all the... _talking... _how was he supposed to kill something when everybody was too busy talking about it?

He spotted his target.

He pulled both tankards to his mouth, emptying them down his throat, before narrowing his eyes at his target.

His biotics began to glow.

He felt the familiar battle lust rise inside of him, just like the old times.

A wide grin spread across his face.

His target was _doomed_.

He charged.

* * *

'FOR TUCHANKA!'

A mighty roar echoed across the field, stopping Shepard, Liara and Ashley in their tracks, and as one they spun to see its source.

Wrex, aglow with biotic fire, was charging across the field, straight towards-

'No Wrex!' They called simultaneously, but it was too late.

The enormous krogan impacted the snow-volus, driving straight through it as the icy sculpture erupted around him in a blinding white detonation, and he suddenly stopped, looking confused.

Shepard dropped to her knees.

'My snow-volus...'

Liara immediately ceased her campaign of frosty terror against Shepard, and began to console her human lover, patting the top of her hat, causing the strange bobbles hanging down over Shepard's ears to swing in the cold winter air.

'We can build another one, Shepard...'

Suddenly she stood up, solemn look replaced by a smile. 'Maybe later. I think now's the time for us to share by _far _the best bit about playing in the snow.'

Ashley groaned, and turned away, only peaking Liara's interest further.

'What is that?'

'Getting out of our cold, wet clothes!'

* * *

Aethyta chuckled as her daughter practically dragged Shepard straight through the bar, heading towards their room. She had already set it up for them, of course... blazing fire, warm rug, mulled wine, and a large canvas sack full of sex toys and kinky outfits.

She'd done a bit of research on this human holiday, and while the concept of dressing up like an old fat man with a beard had seemed strange at first, one look at the saucy red lingerie he inspired had her converted.

Liara would probably be the one wearing the santa outfit, since red went so well with asari skin, which meant Shepard had the choice of the rest... or maybe Liara would demand Shepard sit on her knee and say what she wanted for Christmas.

With a wide grin, she looked at the group of people surrounding her bar.

There were people of most species scattered around, mostly old friends of Shepard, enjoying their time in the large wooden cabin that had been specially rented out for the hero of the galaxy and her friends.

A house made of wood... humans had the strangest ideas. Especially when they insisted on lighting fires everywhere.

But she had to admit it looked good, and everybody seemed to be having a nice time.

Due, in no small part, to her special holiday concoction.

Rync-nog.

She had tried making eggnog, and sure, it was nice, there just wasn't enough _kick_, so she'd asked Wrex to bring a couple of barrels as he travelled over from Tuchanka, and the new drink was going down very nicely. People were laughing, relaxing, making out in the corners...

All in all, it was a pretty good day's work.

She poured herself a large tankard from the cauldron of the drink she had set up in the centre of the round bar.

* * *

'All I'm saying is...' Garrus slurred, taking a sip from the cup of dex-rync-nog the bartender had been nice enough to mix up, 'Turians don't do snow..'

'Hee... why?' Tali replied, trying to reattach her emergency induction port for the fourth time. Each drink seemed to make it harder, which was odd... she would have thought the practice would make it easier.

'H... have you ever gotten ice in your mandibles before?'

'I... can't say I have, Garrus...'

'Well!' he sat up suddenly, causing Tali to jerk backwards, only saved from falling off her stool by the turian reaching out and catching her by the arm. 'Be careful, Tali!'

He did not let go, and she could feel his grip through her suit... it was very... strong... and nice...

'Well, like I was saying!' He declared loudly.

Tali waited expectantly, for nearly a minute.

'Erm, what was I saying?'

'Some... something about your mandibles... which, if I do say so, look very... erm... _heroic_... today.'

She was glad he could not see her flush, and his mandibles flared in what she knew was happiness.

'Thanks, Tali!'

* * *

Shepard was bouncing with excitement. Liara had taken one look into the large, slightly knobbly canvas sack in the middle of their room, flushed a deep blue, then disappeared into the bedroom, dragging it along behind her.

There was only one thing that made Liara blush, and that was her father, and _that _meant the contents in the sack were going to give her a _very _good time.

Grinning in anticipation, she stripped down to her underwear, pulled on a soft robe, and laid on the rug in front of the fire, sipping at a mug of mulled wine somebody had left warming by the fire.

Maybe there would be some new toys... or a nice outfit she could peel off of Liara with her teeth... or maybe...

The bedroom door opened.

'Merry Christmas, Shepard.', spoke a sultry voice.

The anticipatory smirk fell from Shepard's face, and she very slowly put down her mug of mulled wine.

Liara's head quirked to one side.

'What is the matter? Have I done something wrong?'

Without speaking, Shepard stood up, and approached Liara, looking around behind her, just to make sure she was seeing what she thought she was.

Her asari lover was dressed in a full bodied _reindeer _costume. She took a step back, and started at the top. The very top, wasn't too bad. There were a pair of antlers attached to a headband, which she had to admit were cute, but certainly not sexy.

Clinging to Liara's face was a bright red, fuzzy nose, flashing with an internal light that cast a pleasant rosy glow across Liara's face every other second. Again, cute, but not sexy...

From there down, things were just _creepy_.

It was a full body reindeer suit, the kind an actor might wear on a stage, but somebody had... _modified..._ it. Two large gaps were cut out of the chest, allowing her lover's ample breasts to poke through in a manner that would usually be incredibly arousing, but when they were surrounded by an expanse of brown fur, was sadly... _not._

A similar hole had been cut out at the crotch, revealing an alluring depth of azure flesh... again a lot less appealing than it should be. Her earlier examination had confirmed that the suit had both no ass, and a tail hanging over the cut-away section.

'Shepard?'

The human reached up, and plucked the fluffy red nose from Liara's face, speaking sadly as the prop actually squeaked in her grasp. 'I think I need to talk to your father about this.'

* * *

The krogan at her bar looked truly miserable.

'Hey, cheer up, big guy, want some more rync-nog?'

He nodded sullenly, and she fetched two large tankards, and as an afterthought poured out a pair of depth charges of the pure spirit.

'So, Williams make you do it?'

He nodded, and without further ado she placed all four beverages on the bar.

As one, they both dropped the shot glass into the tankard and began to chug.

The humans were _definitely _onto the right idea with their drinking practices... creamy Christmas drinks, and just dropping pure spirits into already perfectly alcoholic beverages? Ingenious.

They finished at about the same time, slamming the heavy tankards to the bar.

'Another?'

Another nod, and she began to refill.

'So, what you do? Call her manly? I did that once. It was hot for a while, with all the manhandling and... _mmm_... headbutting, but when I realised she _wasn't _trying to have sex the novelty wore off.'

Wrex sadly looked to the bar, and Aethyta continued.

'I'm not even sure why she was so offended, I wasn't _trying _to upset her. I mean, she's got the best of both worlds as far as I can see. All a girl's fun bits, and big strong arms to toss a lover around a little... perfect, right!?'

As she dropped both drinks on the bar ahead of Wrex and depth charged them, he caught her eye again. 'No,' he rumbled, 'I didn't do anything to _her._'

'What, then?' she asked, picking up her tankard and knocking its rim against Wrex's.

Aethyta began to drink as Wrex, sighing heavily, admitted his crime.

'I broke Shepard's snow-volus.'

Aethyta's drink caught in her throat as Wrex immediately started downing his own. The warming, creamy beverage with the tasty spike was a _lot _less pleasant when she was trying to evacuate it from her lungs, and when she finally caught her breath, just as Wrex was setting his empty tankard down, she looked at him incredulously. 'So, you smashed up Shepard's... snow-volus?' He nodded. 'And then Ashley made you wear... _that?_'

Another sad nod.

The krogan was stuffed into an absurdly stretched outfit. The black boots fitted quite well, and the trousers luckily had a stretch waistband, meaning the krogan's oddly proportioned legs slipped into the soft red material without too much effort. Above that, however...

The fluffy red jacket was ludicrously wrapped over his torso, a large rip allowing him to fit it over his hump. The sleeves were only long enough to reach to his elbows, and there were rips across the armpits to allow his arms to move.

A santa hat balanced on top of his headplate, much too small for him, which would normally have been the funniest thing Aethyta had seen... if he did not have a mess of white fur strapped across his face, now partially soaked with rync-nog.

The poor krogan reached up and sullenly scratched his beard. 'It was just a _volus_...'

Aethyta's heart went out to the big guy. She reached over and gave him a friendly punch to the shoulder. 'Cheer up you beefcake, you look great! I'll get you another drink.'

* * *

Sexy times disturbed, and libido gone (for now, at least...) Shepard decided to drag her friends out to another winter tradition. Herself, Liara, Ashley, Garrus and Tali were all standing at the edge of a large, frozen lake, with bladed boots strapped to their feet.

'Shepard, thish looksh very... dangeroush.' Garrus spoke up, sounding nervous. And drunk.

Tali nudged him in the side. 'Baby!'

'It's easy!' Ashley suddenly hurled herself forwards, sliding across the ice with a graceful ease, long strides taking her in a wide circle, and Shepard grinned.

'See, Garrus, you can do it!' She gently escorted Liara onto the ice, ensuring the asari did not slip over, and after several tentative seconds, Garrus skidded past them, arms flailing, crying out at the top of his voice, and an evil sounding laugh from behind them gave a clue about just what happened.

As Garrus crashed down into the ice, Liara fixed Shepard's gaze. 'If you do that to me, the Goddess herself could not save you, my love.'

* * *

Several hours later, Liara seemed to be enjoying ice skating. The smile plastered across the asari's face was beautiful to behold, and she was actually incorporating her biotics to ensure she could glide across the ice with a grace that only an asari could pull off, and Shepard was having a wonderful time chasing her lover across the lake.

Ashley was taking great joy in circling Garrus, who, whenever he seemed to be getting the hang of it, "mysteriously" collided with a giggling quarian, sending them both crashing down in a tangle of limbs and laughter.

Shepard was about to suggest helping the pair up, again, to Liara, when a dull rumbling caught her attention, forcing her to stop.

Was that... an avalanche? Their cabin was built in a secure place; she had made sure of that, but it was not _unheard _of in these mountains...

Or maybe an earthquake?

Whatever it was, she did not like the sound of it, and was about to pull the others off the ice when she realised the noise was coming from one definite direction: the hill at the top of which lay their cabin.

She quirked her head in the direction, noticing it was getting louder, seeing the others all doing the same, even as Garrus and Tali hauled themselves to their feet.

'Shepard...' began Ashley, 'what is-'

Before she could finish, a veritable _army _of tiny, screaming krogan, all dressed in adorable green elf outfits, crested the hill, charging down it, waving their arms.

Shepard's jaw dropped as Wrex appeared at the top of the hill, stuffed into a ridiculous santa outfit, beard and all, laughing loudly, arms raised, and _still _the baby krogan came, between his legs, around him, and she suddenly realised what he was shouting.

'_Attack!'_

She instantly moved to action. 'Evasive manoeuvres!'

The team scattered as the krogan hit the ice line, inevitably falling over and beginning a deadly slide towards the team.

'Watch out!' She danced around the first krogan, who she could hear was squealing 'For Tuchankaaaaa!' even as she flew off into the distance.

Her siblings were not long behind her, and soon the team was in a desperate battle to avoid the army of sliding krogan babies.

Garrus was the first to fall as one krogan impacted each of his legs, and he collided with Tali on the way down, sending them sprawling into a pile of delighted krogan children, who instantly began climbing on top of them, declaring themselves battlemasters.

Ashley was next, darting around six incoming krogan, only to be taken by surprise as a pair collided with each other, sending them in unexpected directions, one crashing directly into the human's leg, catapulting her across the ice on her backside, both laughing and shrieking with outrage.

Liara was holding her own, deflecting the incoming krogan torpedoes with her biotics as she danced around the others in a dazzling display of grace and poise -

Until she collided with the pile that was Garrus and Tali, landing face-first on the ice and sliding in a less than dignified manner, stopping just before Shepard, looking up apologetically.

Determined to avenge her lover's fall, Shepard looked up, and saw Wrex had finally ran out of krogan missiles. Nearly two dozen of the tiny reptiles were slowly sliding across the ice, not fast enough to do any damage, trying with limited success to right themselves, so they could launch themselves in another salvo.

But Shepard had her target.

She caught Wrex's eye, and narrowed her gaze.

'Just you and me now, santa.'

His lips quirked, and his eyes narrowed as his deep voice echoed through her.

'Ho, ho, ho.'

They charged.

With a mighty roar that shook the landscape, Wrex began to charge down the hill, and Shepard immediately began to pick up pace, meaning to meet him in a head-on collision, ignoring her lover's protest behind her.

'Shepard, I do not think-'

Just before Wrex reached the line of the lake, he _jumped_, and Shepard's eyes widened.

She skidded to a halt, and could see the expression on Wrex's face as he realised his mistake, soaring through the air. Battle rage turned to amusement, which turned to fear just before he impacted.

'Sheeeepppaaarrrddd!'

'Wrrreeexxx!'

The huge krogan smashed straight through the ice, disappearing in a splash of icy water, and Shepard immediately started to panic, before a bright blue light appeared below the surface, and the krogan smashed another hole in the lake as he propelled himself directly upwards, glowing with biotics, landing with a heavy thump on the shore of the frozen lake, santa outfit drenched. He began to cough, catching the human's eye as he spoke grumpily. 'Shepard-'

'**WREX!'**

An angry, rough but definitely feminine voice called out, and all heads except for the addressee turned up to see its source. Urdnot Bakara was standing at the crest of the hill, arms on her hips.

'Just _what _do you think you are doing with our children! Get them back up here right this instant! And if any fall in the lake, I'm feeding you to Kalros!'

* * *

'Another round!'

A cheer went up as Aethyta quickly refilled everybody's drinks: the team all looking slightly flushed but happy, all except for Wrex who was refusing to remove his freezing cold, drenched, santa outfit and beard as a matter of krogan pride.

A warrior never took off his armour.

Jingly music rang through the bar which was heated by several burning fires, and the whole team was beginning to relax when the floor started shaking again. The krogan children were all accounted for: playing on the floor, headbutting each other when they weren't falling over, but the source was a lot more clear this time.

There was a rhythmic pounding coming from outside, a series of heavy ponderous steps, and as one the team stood up, not even bothering to get dressed for the icy conditions.

Shepard was the first to reach the door, and her eyes widened in disbelief at the sight ahead of her.

Eight huge elcor, each one with a single horn strapped to its head, were tugging what had to be the galaxy's most decked out sled, all in glittering gold, with garlands of pine adorning every surface, and large jingling bells hanging on every edge, filling the cold winter air with a merry tune.

Sitting on what appeared to be a leather couch mounted on the sled, leaning back as if she owned the very air around her, dressed head to toe in beautiful white fur trimmed leather, was the ice queen herself, Aria T'Loak. Lying on the couch beside her, head in Aria's lap, crest being stroked softly, was Councillor Tevos, dressed similarly, though her leather was red and the outfit more revealing.

Behind the couch was an enormous red silk sack, at least the size of one of the elcor, and Shepard could see several neatly wrapped presents poking from the top.

The group clustered around Shepard burst into happy laughter as Aria stood with a grin, disturbing the asari in her lap, and raised her hands to the sky, just as snow began to tumble from the clouds.

'Merry fucking Christmas!'

* * *

_**A/N: **Merry Christmas everybody :-D_

_Thank you Vector 71 for this crazy one :-P_

_To any readers of my Odyssey piece: I apologise, but the next chapter isn't finished... I've been distracted by some Xmas cheer! I should have it up over the next couple of days._


End file.
